i recently experienced another moment that made me question whether i’m cut out for motherhood. it happened during one of my favorite activities, so it definitely left me a bit uncertain.
one day last week, i was out and about, dilly dallying, just enjoying the day. i stopped by my favorite café for a matcha, roamed around Homegoods for more spring decor, just in my groove enjoying the day. i decided to stop by ulta afterwards for a few items and that’s when it all went down.
while pulling up to park, i noticed a mom with a double stroller and two adorable little boys strapped in. they looked like they were probably around two or three years old—the age where children realize that they are separate beings from their mothers and become increasingly independent. this is the stage where it’s their way or the highway, or at least that’s how it is in their minds. (ha!)
so anyway, as soon as i opened my car door, i heard the loudest, most piercing shriek that immediately made me panic and close my door back. even though i was about four cars away, i knew it was one of the little boys and that there wasn’t any real danger… but still! lol, it scared me!
i was like, “what in the world?! no, no, no, no.”
i got out of my car and started walking towards the store. as i’m walking up to pass the mom and kiddos, one little guy is screaming his head completely off, while his brother is completely relaxed, totally unphased. as for the mom, she had a similar facial expression, but with a bit of what appeared to be exhaustion sprinkled in.
she didn’t appear as though she was minimally reactive to avoid feeding into his tantrum. she looked more so like “i’m tired, it’s hot and i don’t have time for this, so scream all you want.” i’d say it was the look of fatigue; operating on autopilot, going through the motions.
anyway, i proceeded into ulta, grabbed my essentials, and did a quick scan for new fragrances. because ya know, i just looove a nice fragrance darling!
as the young lady scanned my items, i could sense in my spirit that the little boy was still crying. i could just feel it. and you know what? when i walked out of the store, guess what i was greeted with? you guessed it! the wrath of Toddler Tim. still crying. still screaming. receiving little to no reaction from his mom or brother in crime, and as my elders would say, just hooting and hollering!
when i got in my car, i said to myself, “see, it’s the little freedoms we take for granted. if i had a kid, i’d no longer be able to just hop in and out of the car for quick store runs as i please.”
i was joking, but then it became a serious thought.
i really wouldn’t be able to just hop out of my car for simple store runs. each stop would require me to unpack the stroller, unstrap my little bundle of joy from their car seat, re-strap them into their stroller, and then grab all of my “mommy and me” essentials before moving on. then, i’d have to undo all of that to get back into the car and proceed to the next destination, IF i even have the energy to do so. because who’s to say they won’t decide to throw a tantrum while in the store and it overstimulates and drains me to zero?
but then again, a tiny part of me questions, what if i enjoy motherhood so deeply that factors like that won’t even phase me?
i’m sure we’ve all seen at least one mom who you can tell absolutely adores motherhood. she has it all down to a science. she has a healthy connection with her child(ren), understands their language, keeps them engaged on many different levels. i mean, just truly makes motherhood look easy!
a part of me began to wonder, if i decide to have children, what if i turn out to be that mom?
i feel like motherhood is one of those life experiences where you won’t fully know what’s what until you’re fully in it. but the thing is, it’s such a permanent decision. you’re literally creating another living being who will have their own thoughts, feelings and life path. and it’s not something that can be undone!
this is why i’ve chosen to dissect my thoughts around parenting and intently ask myself, is motherhood meant for me? should i have children?
… still thinking.
If my words have lingered with you, or you feel compelled to leave a note—or a rose of appreciation—you may reach me here.
Thank you for reading, and for crossing into the world of Romance & Reality.
Romance & Reality 
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