Romance & Reality

There’s been quite a bit of discussion around the declining birthrates and how more women are choosing the child-free way of life nowadays. If you ask me, it’s actually become more of a debate, or argument, than a discussion. And these days, I’m starting to wonder if motherhood is for me or not. More specifically, is love alone a sufficient enough reason to create a life?

As I’ve grown to know more of myself over the years, I’ve began to think deeply about the decision to have children. I’m not one to do things “just because”, so I’ve really been honing in on the “why”. If I decided to have children, what would be my reason for doing so?

I’ve heard people say things like, “to carry on my family’s legacy”, “to continue the bloodline”, “to have someone to take care of me when I get older”, and the list goes on. However, in my opinion, some bloodlines are cycled with such toxic and traumatic history, they don’t need to continue this in another generation. They need to end it… Period.

Now this may sound harsh, but it’s real, raw and honest.

I’m almost certain that many families continue to exist today because of enabling and abusive behaviors, coercion, triangulation, manipulation, and social conditioning.

For those who want someone to take care of them when they get older, that’s just not enough. That’s not enough of a reason for me to bring a whole human being into this world against their will. It’s actually a selfish, poorly thought out reason to have children, in my opinion.

How do you know that your child will be able to take care of you when you get older? What if your child passes away or becomes mentally or physically disabled before you can even reach elderly status? What if your child isn’t financially stable enough to care for you when that time comes? Because believe it or not, aging can be expensive.

And what if you fail to nurture the emotional connection with your child due to your own unhealed baggage and instability, and as a result they become estranged?

All of this may sound pessimistic, but these are common real life situations and turning a blind eye to them out of desire, or desperation, to have a child is a selfish choice to make.

Countless times I’ve heard parents say things like, “I brought them into this world. I made sure they had money, food, clothes, shelter, etc.” But like, yeah… you did. You had to because that’s your responsibility as a parent, something you chose to be. To say that someone owes you something because you gave them something that they didn’t ask for… Idk.

But at the same time, I can understand a parent wanting to receive the same love, care and sacrifice that they gave to their child(ren) unconditionally. I may not be a parent at the moment, but I do understand the act of loving and caring for someone to no end and wanting the same in return. I don’t think you have to have a child to feel and understand that.

Something that I can’t understand though, is having a child out of loneliness, pressure or desire to “take care of someone”. Unfortunately, many women (and men!) have given into such reasons and this is why I’ve chosen to truly dissect my own inclinations for having children.

Am I choosing this because society says I should? Because I’ve achieved everything and it’s “the next step”? Because I’m a woman and our societal role, traditionally, is the care taker? Or, to have someone else to give my love to? Why would I have children?

Please understand that I am not against having children, nor do I intend to shame anyone who’s decided to do so. However, having been a child myself, and once studied the developmental stages of a child, I understand the fragility and delicacy of their development and I don’t take it lightly. No one should.

Having said this, at this point I’m not sure if I’m searching for a reason to have children or trying to unlearn one.

And with this, I’ll pause until next time.

But first, for those who have children, and those who don’t, what influenced your decision?